Why I've been avoiding painting ?

So aside from :
- I'm lazy.... yepp.... working on it....really hard... won't be lazy anymore now !!
- my always wanting to paint a good painting all the time, self-expectation too high
- my fears of ruining a painting that's half done
- my lack of knowledge in painting
- and not to mention I lack patience and oh,
remember the I'm kinda lazy part (esp the clean up part)
- the long hours of trials and errors and not knowing what to do
making mistakes and getting frustrated where I should just take it lightly and have fun in the learning process
- the alone time
Alone for hours n no one 2 talk to sucks,
and when I'm done, everyone's asleep
or I take too long to clean up and I got left behind alone at home ;p
combined that with laziness.

- I also got scared from the expectations of others.
how they become kinda disappointed when I paint something that they don't like, but I like it (technique wise - colorwise, etc)
not necessarily a bad one, but simply I like it and they don't
they don't have to say it, and they'll deny it if I ask, and I'm not being over sensitive about it, but I can see it in their eyes.
okay sometimes they say that they don't like it.
I know this shouldn't be a problem, but it makes me feel bad because I've failed to impress them
o wait, the problem's probably mine
but no, it's more like I feel I've wasted time and money to paint something that actually turn out not 'right' to them.
sometimes they don't want to see the I'm-still-learning-how-to-paint results, the not-so-perfect painting.

Expectations from others suck
"You need to fix this, you need to fix that" like it's like flipping hands
But I should use that constructive critique to encourage me to be better, to be more skillful

sometimes the expectation's too high
another critique in the family, would come and point out all the details that I need to fix,
not that it's a bad thing, but every painting I do becomes subject to her wanting me to make it right.
and if I don't fix it, she'd go on and on and on and on about it.
So it becomes a job rather than just painting for fun and for me.

sometimes the expectation's too low
I did this one painting on a large canvas, colorwise is pleasing on the eyes :)
the propotion of the object of the painting is good
but technique wise, it's sloppy
sometimes others like it, so when the color and the proportion is good, technique might not matter to them.

- feeling turned down
a lot of the time when I paint, and I'm all excited to show em my new painting, they're not 'excited' about it.
They're like "oh I'll see it after I'm done watching this soap opera on TV"
I think they make me feel like I'm inadequate and I'm only creating crap.'
I'm not writing this to get "aawww....you poor thing" and getting approval that they're annoying and I'm right
I just want to get this out of my chest.
I know I'm supposed to paint for me anyway, not for them.

all of dat
I think that's about all.....
Now I know why
I'm not finding justification not to paint
I'm just asking myself and finding out why I'm not feeling excited to paint anymore

I know these things shouldn't get to me and I should use it to prove to them that I'm actually good and that I can become better in time.
but sometimes it brings me down a bit and I don't like it.
so a combination of all of that is probably why I avoid painting.
but I've gotta fight it and just paint and have fun with it.

No pressure, no fear, realize it takes practice, be patient, it's a process
be humble, u're learning, paint 4 urself, courage and confident and experiment, make it ur own style.
Don't focus too much on 1 spot, don't overthink, have fun
Enjoy the process n learn from it.

Oh and prayers too....
I don't do this too often, which I should.
but in everything I do, I want to say a simple prayer, so that I can make use the talents that He's given me and be better and that the result may be beneficial for others.
I also wish that someday my paintings would be worthy enough to be involved in charity
and I wish for world peace *miss universe wave*
no seriously, I really want to master the wave....;p
no seriously.... I do want world peace and say a brief prayer before painting and give up my future paintings for charity.
and I want 'em to be sold, maybe auctioned, in a really really prestigious auction house.
kinda like Van Gogh's painting sold for millions, imagine what millions of dollars can do for charity.
Of course I wish to still be alive when my paintings are auctioned for millions of dollars for charity.
and of course, everything is possible :)
Peace.